Today is the first anniversary of the day we let go of our 4th child, Morgan Daniel. He only made it to 16 weeks gestation, but his tiny little life had a huge impact on our family. Losing Morgan was what it took to bring my husband back to God. It also brought us closer together. I feel totally blessed in this, because I know that losing a child can have the exact opposite effect on a couple. I hate that I have a child I have never held, and whose face I can barely remember. However, I know our family is better for it. If God had asked me to give Morgan up in order to bring about these changes, I don't know if I could have made that decision. As it was, I fully accepted that his death was my own fault, for reasons that seemed completely logical to me. It was only until a few days ago that Mr. Man realized the depth of the guilt and responsibility I felt and was able to help me let go of it.
The thing I struggle with now is a way to remember him. I'd like to do something special on this day every year, as a way to honor his place in our family. Unfortunately, we now live several hours away from his grave. Releasing balloons seems kind of silly to me, and we don't have the financial means to do most of the other things I've thought of. I don't want our kids to forget Morgan, but Little Miss is to young to even understand, and #5 was obviously just born. How do I teach them about Morgan so that they'll understand?
The ways of God are mysterious to man. We can't pretend to understand anything He doesn't spell out for us. But I do know that Morgan's loss was not in vain. God had a plan for him from the start, and though part of it grieves me, I praise God for the good in it.